I have a cartoon pasted above my desk showing two men in angel garb, each with a halo, floating on a heavenly cloud. Looking down towards earth, one says with a big smile," I love this. I've been up here for 11 years, and my will is still in probate." This is an amusing cartoon but in reality, it's not funny. Because your widow will be dealing with the heartache of losing you, and the last thing she should have to cope with is the headache and expense of probate.
"My what?"you ask. "I'm not planning on dying any time soon." Great. I hope you don't, because the best way to protect your wife against widowhood is for you not to die. But eventually, you will, just like the rest of us.
We just don't know when that will happen. Could be in ten or twenty years; it could be tomorrow. It's tough to think about, but according to the U.S. Census figures, the average age a woman is widowed is 56 years old. Your widow might be on either end of that mean average.
If your wife has relied on you to handle the finances during your marriage, the impact of having to learn all about them during a time of loss is tremendous and a huge emotional burden. If you're not sharing financial information with her, it's fair to assume that you don't consider her to be an equal partner in your marriage. Uncle Sam considers her an equal partner, especially if you live in a community property state.
By legal and financial definition, your wife takes on half of the financial responsibility in your household. If you die, your widow will have to pay off your creditors, even if she doesn't know about them. If you don't have a will, a revocable living trust and durable powers of attorney for medical and financial decisions in case you are incapacitated, you're showing your wife a side of you that isn't heroic or manly. You're practicing avoidance behavior, thinking that if you don't pay attention to something negative, it won't happen. Bad things happen to good people all the time, things they couldn't have foreseen when they left the house that morning. Your wife, whom you say you love, may never tell you how worried she is about being widowed.
She may have tried, but somehow you manage to turn her off by accusing her of nagging or being morbid. So, she's stuck. She can't write your will, or create a living trust without your input. She can't take your medical exam for an insurance policy. Denying your mortality is like an ostrich burying his head in the sand.
This places your wife at risk because she can't take any action without you. Your wife may still love you, but she'll think differently of you if you're resistant to planning for how she will have to cope on her own. But she may not trust you as much or be as comfortable with you as she used to be. She's not seeing you the same way because you're not addressing her need to feel secure and protected in case she is widowed.
That wonderful woman, without whom you might be lost, is not going to suddenly be able to take charge of the finances if she hasn't been involved before. You have the chance to do something truly heroic. Bite the bullet. Face your mortality. If you really love her, respond to her fears about being widowed. Set things up so she is provided for, even if you're not going to be part of her life.
Start the estate planning process. Create a revocable living trust. Don't do these this by downloading forms from the internet. See a lawyer who specializes in estate planning. That way, you're sure things will be done right.
Get long- term care insurance so she doesn't spend her own golden years taking care of you. Share the financial records with her. If she doesn't understand them, explain things to her. Introduce her to your broker, lawyer and accountant. Urge her to meet with them whenever you do. The questions she asks are not dumb questions.
They're simply questions that haven't been explained properly. If you really meant those wedding vows of love, honor and cherish, here's your chance to walk the talk. Life without you will be hard enough for the woman you love. Don't add to her grief and loss by leaving her with a financial burden she may not know how to handle. Real men face their mortality. That's what makes them heroes.
Copyright (c) 2008 Helga Hayse.
Helga Hayse leads seminars about financial transparency in marriage. Her book" Don't Worry about a Thing, Dear"- Why Women Need Financial Intimacy is a step-by-step guide for creating a financially intimate marriage. http://www.financialintimacy.com
